All The Single Ladies

Being single is waking up every morning with unlimited possibilities for the day.  You can roll out of bed at noon or wake up at 6 am slamming the cupboard doors without worrying about anyone else but yourself.  It’s the ability to be spontaneous and self-ish.  It’s also the ability to be lazy and indulgent without judgement.  

Women spend too much of their time searching for the right person, going down so many rabbit holes with men that just aren’t right for them.  We get the idea that marriage is some kind of reward, but most of the time it’s a prison sentence. You think you found the right person or almost the right person, he just needs a few tweaks, right?  You think your relationship now is the way it’ll always be, but forgetting that people change with time.  They can grow and become a better or version of themselves or pretend they did. 

Don’t get me wrong… some relationships are fantastic and grow with ease.  Couples can be respectful of each other and encourage each other to be better people.  It happens, but I don’t think it happens as often as we’d like to believe.

I have been single for so long and it took me a while to come to terms with …. Enjoying it. I like being single.  I like getting good sleep at night and making plans that I can cancel. I like choosing to not do things that I do NOT want to do.  I have the ability to do that.  I don’t have to bite my tongue to make someone else happy.

Don’t tell me you married people don’t do that? I’ve seen you do it. I’ve heard you complain about it… and I’ve rolled my eyes at it. 

I’m sure there are pros to being in a relationship or being married (double income?), but here’s a few pros for the single life:

This movie called Life is all about you all the time

You don’t need to share the limelight with anyone else, but yourself.  When you make a decision about your day,  a haircut, the clothes you wear, adopting a fourth pet, buying a home, sleeping early, or staying out too late, you don’t have to check in with anyone, but yourself. 

“Hello? Sherri?  Yeah, this is Sherri.  I’ll be staying out late tonight.  Why? Because I feel like it”

End of story. 

Becoming Spontaneous

I’m not a spontaneous person, but it’s nice to have the option to hop on a flight to Las Vegas with your bestfriend for a long weekend of… whatever it is people do in Vegas these days. Did I mention you can adopt an animal without having to fear what your partner will think, because that “partner” doesn’t exist.  You live alone with 6 cats and 3 dogs and it’s glorious.  

What?  You think that’s a bad thing? How is that bad?

Drinking Without Judgement

1 glass of wine, 1 bottle of wine. Who’s counting? Your dog?  I don’t think so. 

Ruling over the Remote Control

That’s right, I rule over all the remotes in my household all the time.  Yes, even when I have guests come stay. I let them know who is boss in my house.  I mean, usually I’m nice enough to let them watch what they want, but don’t piss me off. I can change the wifi password if I choose to. 

I can watch a Hallmark movie or choose to not watch the Vikings lose every Sunday.  It’s 100% up to me and only me. 

Eating Whatever You Want

Sort of the same as drinking.  You eat 1 cupcake or 6?  Who’s counting?  Maybe the dog, but it’s only because they want a cupcake too! You don’t have to consider what anyone else likes or dislikes. If you decide to get healthier you don’t have to worry about being distracted when your partner chooses to bring home the foods you crave.

Silence

You know what I’m talking about…

New Hobbies

Guess what? You don’t have to explain to anyone why you decided to meditate or do yoga.  Or start putting together puzzles.  Or start a podcast with your bestie.  Or decide to make blankets.  Or clean out all your closets, because you are having an emotional breakdown and don’t know who you are anymore, but cleaning might help.  You don’t have to explain it to anyone. You could explain it to a therapist if you choose to. 

Time for Yourself

I feel like this is so important in life. We all need to time to get to know ourselves, know what we want or don’t want in life. You have time to experience the things you want to do without having to explain why. It’s the time spending on the couch or a long hike. It’s the getting away without feeling guilty.

The feeling of knowing I am an independent woman.

It doesn’t matter if you own a house or rent an apartment on your own – You have done what many women before us were not able to do.  Be independent.  Make choices.  We get called “old maids” or “spinsters” if we don’t have someone else, but the reality is we are just bad ass bitches.  We don’t need someone to take care of us. We don’t need to take care of anyone to feel validated in life.  

If you find that special someone – good for you.  Never change for them, don’t force them to change for you, be happy with where you are in life, in this moment, because our society changes every single day.  If we can change it to normalize women being single, happy and independent we can make this country and world a better place. 

-Sherri

{Surviving} A Toxic Marriage

I was that annoying girl in college. You know the one who had perfectly crafted vision boards lining her dorm room walls. I had my entire life planned out. I had everything on a time line, go to law school at 23, get married at 25, and have my first kid when I was 27. And one day as Fate always does she took my perfectly crafted boards and turned them into a burning heap.

Law school!? Ha! I got accepted but never went. I chose to get married to someone who wouldn’t wait for me to finish. He told me “you can make a new dream.” The only thing on my timeline that I got right was married at 25 and after my wedding my line melted into a hot mess.

My marriage was perfect in the streets. But behind closed doors it was a mess . I fell in love with a man who only loved the idea of loving me. He had a sex addiction and put me in situations that no one should ever put their wife in. On top of that there was the daily mental and emotional abuse. He would constantly tell me that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough. That my weight is what drove him to sleep with other women and if I was skinny he wouldn’t do it. He took my light and I began to loose who I was. I believed him when he said “you will never make it on your own.” So I stayed, I stayed in a toxic marriage.

Time and time again he chose the other women over me. When I was in the hospital recovering from a pulmonary embolism and stoke (more on that later), I looked over to see him on Craig’s list looking for his next fix. It didn’t matter to him that his wife had just fought for her life, his needs were greater than mine. Frankly he cared more about the bill we’d be receiving than my actual healing. I should have left him then, instead I stayed

I stayed and ended up getting pregnant. It was an unplanned but very wanted surprise. Even in pregnancy he managed to cut me down. He didn’t like the fact that I was gaining weight and didn’t have a sex drive. It became normal for me to come out in the morning to an adjusted drivers seat. While I slept he roamed. He told me it was my fault because I got pregnant and he didn’t find me attractive.

My pregnancy wasn’t meant to be. He was in Vegas when I heard the words “I’m sorry there is no heart beat.” I called to tell him the news and he refused to fly home. He was to busy in someone else’s bed to care about his wife and now dead child. Now Sherri, Sherri did what no friend should have to do. She showed up on my doorstep, took me to the hospital and stayed with me until it was time for me to go back to surgery. She was there when I said goodbye to a son that I never got to hold. She did what my ex-husband wasn’t man enough to do, she stood by me as I breathed in the hard reality of pregnancy loss.

Sherri became a safe space for me and little by little I told her what was going on in my marriage. She slowly planted the seeds that I was good enough and capable of living on my own. Losing my son taught me that I was stronger than I could ever imagine and one day I woke up, and I took my life back. I sent Sherri a text telling her I was done and wanted to look at apartments. I left my ex-husband on that same day.

A week later I had an apartment and I moved out of my perfect suburban home. Sherri did not judge me or ask questions, she just showed up and packed. Leaving a toxic relationship isn’t easy. The last words he ever said to me were “you will never make it on your own! You will fail! No one will love you.” His words, they became my fuel. I didn’t want him to win, so I fought tooth and nail for a better life. Little by little I found myself again. I thought I had worked through my marriage on my own and that I was healed. Boy was I wrong. My emotions would bubble up to the surface and I’d shove the shame back down. Until I put on my big girl pants and found a therapist.

I finally walked into a therapist’s office four years after my divorce. Truth, I should have gone to therapy sooner. I laid everything down for Ms. Emily and she didn’t judge me. She explained to me that I had been mentally, emotionally, and sexually abused. Until that moment I never saw myself as abused. To me abuse meant physical like beating your wife and it didn’t happen to professional women like me. She explained that mental and emotional abuse are the worse forms of abuse as they leave no physical scars. Instead they leave a lifetime of pain that no one but you can see. Simple words or situations trigger me and send me back to my marriage, PE/Stroke, and death of my son. Ms. Emily diagnosed with PTSD and told me “it’s perfectly ok, you’ve been through hell dear.” She was right, I had been through hell. I wasted so much time trying to distance myself from the trauma instead of healing. The first step in the healing process was learning how to love myself and once I did that everything else fell into place and I’ve never looked back.

If you’re reading this and nodding your head, I want you to know that you are not alone. I’ve been where you are and I know how scary it is. The first step is the scariest one to take, after you take it the rest will surely follow. And I know in my heart that you can do it. You are strong and you are enough. You can and you will make it on your own. Don’t be like me, seek a therapist right away and work through the trauma you just left. And of course if you need a friend you can tune into our podcast. I promise my post divorce and dating blunders will make you laugh. Laughter is good medicine and you my dear need the strongest available dose.

If you or someone you know is in need of assistance please visit the links below: RAINN

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Know the signs of Domestic Violence

Teen Dating Violence

-AJ

Here We Go!

A few weeks ago we decided to create a podcast!  We are working on content ideas and ways to engage our audience. 

Speaking of an audience… we are working on gathering an audience through social media.  We currently reside on TikTok, Instagram and Twitter. 

TikTok: @MaybeSwearingHelps

Instagram: @Maybe_SwearingWillHelp

Twitter: @SwearingHelps1

Please reach out to us on social media!  We’d love to talk with people who are interested in what we are doing. We will also be putting out requests for people to write in on certain topics that we will discuss during the show. 

Once we have a firm date set for our first podcast show we will announce it!

Until then – maybe swearing will help get this project done?!

AJ & Sherri

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