I love everything about fall except for two things…… thing 1, those stupid plastic spider rings that come in the fake cobweb packages and thing 2, pumpkin spice EVERYTHING! Friends I firmly believe that pumpkins are meant for carving and not eating. Yet here we are, we live in a world where everything and anything right down to pumpkin spice scented cat litter exists. Starbucks, Caribou, basically all coffee shops in America have been taken over by the crap. No, no I do not want to try a white pumpkin spice mocha latte thing, I want my regular tastes like actual coffee crafted press! No I do not want a pumpkin spice bratwurst nor do I want a pumpkin spice cookie. Hell, I even saw pumpkin spice cheddar cheese…. Cheese is good on its own, why are you messing with it and throwing in pumpkin spice… why? Why do we need that?
I digress, pumpkin spice is like a hot button for me. I don’t understand it, I don’t like it and I’m tired of it taking over fall. Can we go back to witches, monsters, and ghosts!? It’s spooky season and not basic Instagram suburban bitch holding a pumpkin spice latte while wearing boots and a flannel shirt season. I say the last part with love, don’t come after me in the comments.
Anyways back to the pumpkins the other day I was at Hooby Looby and I noticed an entire isle, both sides filled to the brim with fake pumpkins. This isle made me question my belief in humanity, why! Why do we need leopard print pumpkins? Why do we need them, followed by Buffalo plaid pumpkins and gasp polka dot pumpkins. Whatever happened to all of the realistic fake pumpkins? I want a fake realistic pumpkin on my doorstep and not something that looks like I skinned a leopard for it’s fur. Also don’t get me started on the Indian figurines that I spied at Hooby Looby….. which I may or may not have set in the backs of the little red metal trucks that were on display and positioned them to look like they were getting ready to ram the pilgrims…… Yes I have feelings, big feelings about fake pumpkins and Indian figurine. It’s what I do with those feelings that matters. I suppress those feelings while messing with store displays.
Enough Hooby Looby! This is spooky season, it’s the one time of year that is acceptable to scream like a child while going through a haunted house. Or if you are like me you hyper ventilate and get led out the side door. Yes, yes sometimes I get scared and hyper ventilate, it’s a thing, it happens. Anyways if you want a good time, take me to a haunted house…… chances are you will learn about the secret escape exits. And our early escape usually leads to hot fresh mini doughnuts. Haunted hayrides, I’m good with those. I promise I do not try to jump off them and only get mildly scared. Then again depending on how good it is you might have bruises on your arm from me clinging to you.
You could also be brave during spooky season and go to a real haunted house. As in a real house that is haunted by ghosts or maybe even a haunted cemetery. Haunted bars count too and bonus if they have a drink named after said ghost. I have done this with friends numerous times time over the years and usually I’m the one who is not running away screaming. Fake haunted houses mess with me, real haunted houses leave me as the collected one. I am also the one that likes to scare people in said real haunted houses. I do however draw the line at grave yards, not because I am afraid, but because of the high chance you might trip over a stone and hurt yourself. Remember safety first friends, broken ankles are not spooky nor are they fun.
I should also add that I ear an absurd amount of candy corn during spooky season along with apples, apple pie, apples truffle, and hard cider. I am a fall baby whose never had a normal birthday cake. All of my cakes have been Halloween themed, as well as my parties when I was little. October 27th was the practice day to try out your costume at my party before the big day, that is if you were invited. Don’t worry I pretty much invited everyone to my party. But now as I’m older I enjoy dinners with my family over the hoopla of a shindig. I find solace in the crisp fall air as I soak in every changing color before the snow flies. Spooky season will always be my season and pumpkin spice can be damned!
Maybe Swearing Helps 